♪ Baby, who wants to love me sexy? ♪
♪ Baby, who's ready to lick me sexy? ♪
♪ Baby, we're naked and we're humpin' sexy ♪
♪ Love me sexy! ♪
♪ Come on, girl. Yeah ♪
♪ lt's me, Jackie Moon ♪
♪ Give me that look, that's right ♪
♪ Let's get sweaty, let's get real sweaty ♪
♪ l'm talkin' rainforest sweaty ♪
♪ l'm talkin' swamp sweaty ♪
♪ Let's fill the bathtub full of sweat, all right ♪
♪ Baby, who wants to love me sexy? ♪
♪ Baby are you ready to lick me sexy? ♪
♪ Baby, wake up, we're naked ♪
♪ And we're humpin' sexy ♪
♪ Come on, girl ♪
♪ Baby, who wants to love me sexy? ♪
♪ Love me sexy ♪
♪ Baby, are you ready to lick me sexy? ♪
♪ Lick me sexy ♪
♪ Take off your shoes and suck me sexy ♪
♪ Suck, suck, suck, suck, suck me sexy ♪
♪ Baby, we're naked and we're humpin' sexy ♪
-♪ Whoo! ♪ -♪ Humpin' sexy ♪
♪ l wanna do a little thing wit' you ♪
♪ When l say ''love me'' you say ''sexy'' ♪
♪ Love me ♪
- Sexy. - Oh, yeah, Flint Tropics crowd!
Get it goin'. lt feels good, doesn't it?
l see some ladies up there who wanna love me sexy.
Jackie Moon soaking up a robust round of applause...
as he finishes up his once-popular song, Love Me Sexy.
l'm Dick Pepperfield joined, as always...
by former Tropics forward Lou Redwood.
Yeah, l might suit up tonight.
Sometimes l still dream of glory, Dick.
Well, sometimes dreams can turn into nightmares, Lou.
What's your problem?
And now, the starting lineup...
for your Flint, Michigan Tropics!
At Ball Girl, measuring 34-23-34...
she hopes to be an astronaut one day...
l don't think she can do it.
Put your hands together for Melinda!
Go Tropics!
From South Bend, lndiana...
this guy has a heart of gold, his brother's a retard.
He reads to him and paints him pretty pictures...
Scootsie Doubleday!
Scootsie Doubleday taking the court now.
Yeah, his brother is really retarded.
Ronnie Doubleday.
He has all three major kinds of retardation.
This guy is single and disease-free, no V.D. at all...
but you could be the lucky girl to give it to him!
Six foot five!
Twiggy Munson!
Of course he's disease-free.
What chick wants to be with a guy that's hung like a twig?
Well, that's not true. l've heard a lot of women say...
that they actually prefer a small penis.
Show me one gal who says that and l'll show you a liar.
l'll introduce you to Mrs. Pepperfield later on tonight.
Oh, Jesus, here we go.
Your man in the middle...
seven foot two...
from a weird country called Lithuania.
He's ugly as shit.
- Vakidis! - Go, daddy!
- This fella scares me. - Yeah!
That little kid from the Jackson Five, he scares ya too.
Oh, mark my words, Lou...
there's something creepy about that young man.
Bobby Dee, where's Clarence?
- Nobody's heard from him. - Come on, Tropics!
Bee Bee!
You're startin'.
From Peoria, lllinois...
this guy, what can l say about him?
He's got the hottest girl in the world, l'm not kiddin'.
Cannons, people.
Big ol' boobies.
The luckiest man in Flint-- Bee Bee Ellis!
Well, it's true about what they say about Bee Bee's wife.
She has got a tremendous set of boobs.
To me, they're too large.
Oh, they're perfect.
l don't know, they--To me she looks structurally unsound.
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for.
At six foot five, a solid, meaty 215 pounds...
your pregame announcer, your owner, your coach...
your pop singing sensation, but most importantly...
your power forward...
yours truly, Jackie Moon!
All right!
Jackie Moon always gives himself...
a fantastic introduction.
- Yeah, why not, Dick? - Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
lt's his team, his money and his tunnel of beautiful ball girls.
Oh, speaking of money, Lou, did you get paid this week?
No.
You lose weight, Father Pat?
Fuck off, Jackie.
All right, guys, huddle up. Vakidis!
What is he doin'? You know what? Fuck it.
Listen, l promised these fans a show tonight, all right?
Twiggy, if you get a dunk tonight try to break that backboard, all right?
- We'll get that on the news. - All right.
Let's bring it in, it's showtime, right? Let's get...
Tropical!
Go Tropics!
Right here, right here, right here!
l don't like it.
Back! Back!
Clear! Yep, that feels good. That feels--
- Danny, what are ya doin'? - Nothin'. Eatin' nachos.
You get 'em from the concession stand?
- Nah, l brought 'em from home. - What?
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, come on!
- What? - Travel!
He brought nachos from home. Tryin' to run a business here.
- You can't call that. - Jackie, you gotta dribble...
if you're gonna move.
What are you talkin' about?
- Basketball rules. - Fine.
l got season tickets. l can do whatever the hell l want.
Oh, yeah? Well, l can do this.
And this.
And that!
Let's go, Trops!
We are well underway and the big question, Lou--
where is Tropics' leading scorer, Clarence ''Downtown'' Malone?
l agree, it's completely unprofessional, Dick.
Lou, can l ask you to please put out your cigarette?
No, l like to smoke when l drink.
All right, fans, let's hear it for ''Downtown Funky Stuff'' Malone!
Go Clarence!
That's my son.
Downtown wastes no time tagging out Bee Bee Ellis...
and Munson passes him the ball immediately.
Downtown dribbles the ball through his legs--l love it when he does that.
He's making mincemeat of his defender here.
Downtown!
lf you want it! lf you--Only if you want it!
You don't want it, l can feel it. You don't want it, OK.
That's right, Nets.
You're not gonna stop it. Believe me, we don't stop it in practice.
- Let's do it! - Come on, come on, come on!
- Go! - You got it.
He tosses a three--
And, yes!
- Wow! That was quite a shot. - Pounce!
Yeah!
At halftime, it's the Nets 62...
Flint Tropics 43.
All right, everybody, let's hear it for Tropical time...
and let's hear it for Busch Bavarian.
lf you're gonna drink a beer, you might as well make it Busch Bavarian.
Ladies and gentlemen, l want you to welcome this man...
who's gonna attempt the impossible-- the $10,000 free throw...
from the other side of the court. The Moon shot.
- Right on. - All right. Tell everybody...
- what's your name? - Dukes.
- All right, Dukes. - Dukes!
- Dukes, where ya from? - Flint, Michigan...
and l never missed a game!
Go!
Dukes is homegrown.
l think you're on a little somethin' that's homegrown maybe, huh?
We're havin' fun.
Dukes, what do you do for a livin'?
Nothin' right now.
OK.
Layin' low.
Dukes is excited!
So am l.
Come on, let's go, people. Let's get it goin'.
Cheer this guy on as he prepares for the impossible.
Well, we've got an especially dirty hippie here...
down on the court tryin' to sink an impossible shot.
This is human drama at its best.
He's just focusing, taking a moment to concentrate. That's OK.
Concentrate all you want.
- Come on, Dukes! - All right.
- No! - Yes!
Holy shit, l'm a miracle!
Yeah!
Father Pat, he stepped on the line. He stepped on it.
- No, no, it was legal. - No, no...
he stepped on the line, You were lookin' at it. Come on.
Jackie, he made the shot.
Who the hell has $10,000?
Relax, the beer company'll pay him.
They're not really a sponsor, it just sounded professional.
Look at this guy. He's so hopped up on goofballs and grass...
he's got no idea what's going on.
Holy crap.
Tropical!
Hey, congratulations to Dukes!
He just won a giant check that says $10,000.
Cool!
Look at the size of that thing!
Go have yourself a ball!
Second half, comin' up next!
Damn it!
-♪ Hi ♪ -♪ Hello ♪
♪ Get the funk outta my face ♪
♪ You don't like my music You don't have to use it ♪
♪ Funking is a thing that all of us release ♪
♪ You don't have to get it ♪
♪ All you do is let it ♪
♪ Then you'll know exactly how to groove ♪
♪...More, more, more ♪
♪ Now he's back home doing 9 to 5 ♪
♪ Living his gray flannel life ♪
- Hey, Jackie. - Hey, guys, everything good?
- Keep the drinks flowin'. - You got it.
♪ More, more, more ♪
♪ Gitchi, gitchi, ya ya da da da ♪
You're a sexy town, Flint.
Look at you, l love it.
l swear, if this Plexiglass wasn't dividing us right now...
l'd make sweet, tender, slow, hot love...
to each one of you, that's a guarantee.
♪ Baby, who wants to love me sexy? ♪
♪ Love me sexy ♪
♪ Baby, are you ready to lick... ♪
-♪ ...me sexy? ♪ - l'm tellin' ya, man...
that's the word on the street and the shit is messed up.
lt's a dang shame.
l can't go back to working at that car wash. No.
l know there's some team out there that can use the services of...
''Downtown Funky Stuff'' Malone, you hear me?
l dig you, brother, but l heard the problem ain't just here in Flint.
lt's the whole league that's goin' under.
Hey, guys, what's shakin'?
What's shakin'? Whole league goin' down...
- that's what's shaking. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on.
l don't know who you're talkin' to but business is boomin'.
Jackie, come on, man, it's us. You ain't got to jive us, man.
l'm not jivin' you. l've never jived you my whole life.
Jackie, come on, you're jivin' us now by sayin' you don't be jivin' us.
OK, well, this time l'm tellin' the truth.
Right.
Now if l give you the lowdown on somethin', can you keep a secret?
- Yeah. - Course.
Tomorrow mornin', l'm drivin' to lndianapolis for a league meeting...
possibly talking...
- merger. - A merger?
Flint Tropics in the NBA.
- The NBA? - Us mergin'?
l'm Jackie Moon, l take care of you guys, right?
l mean, you can just think of me as Bambi's mother.
l make sure nothing bad'll happen to you.
Drink up, this is a big night.
- Hey, drinks on me. - Big night.
Bambi's mother got shot, right?
Yeah, first scene.
l remember that the credits were still rollin' and everything.
Who the fuck is Bambi?
Merger. Merger.
Merger.
Jackie Moon. Jackie Moon.
America.
Let's go.
Let's do this.
Don't worry, Mom, l won't let you down.
l'll keep this team alive.
And our TV stations are complaining about all the fighting.
Let's try to keep the fights in the tunnel or out in the parking lot.
We have one more piece of business to go over.
l'm sure you've all heard the rumors, and they are true...
the ABA will be merging with the NBA...
at the end of this season.
Yes. Yes.
l did it.
l'm a real owner.
- Please, Jackie, let go. - l did it.
All right, let's...
not get too excited.
Yes! Give me ten, Norton!
Everyone can eat shit!
A big bag of shit!
l'm the greatest man in the world!
The NBA has agreed to our financial demands...
- but there is something else-- - You were right, Mom.
Destiny.
l'm so happy l can't even feel my arms!
OK, Jackie, listen to me. Jackie?
- Hey, Jackie? - Yes?
Four teams will be absorbed into the NBA next year.
The rest of the league will terminate operations.
Exactly. You know it.
Wait. Wait, what did you say?
The Nets, the Spurs, the Pacers and the Nuggets...
are gonna play in the NBA next season.
- The rest of us are gonna dissolve. - Dissolve?
What's ''dissolve''?
ls that even a word?
Yes, it is a word...
and financially it means you'll cease to exist.
Let's don't get emotional about it. Just--
No!
OK.
All right, you're being-- Well, Jackie. Jackie...
You--Don't bite yourself. Come on.
Jackie, we agreed to a very large sum.
l don't want a large sum, OK?
l want my team. Come on, you guys...
you're not gonna just sit there and take the money, are you? Huh?
What do the Nets have that l don't have?!
The Nets have a huge fan base.
They got a brand-new stadium.
Solid economic growth package with great tax incentives.
Come on, Alan, that's bullshit!
The NBA's gonna take four teams, Jackie.
This is a good deal.
Best four teams should go.
He's right. The season isn't over yet.
Hey, you know what? Yeah, everybody should have a chance.
That's the fairest way.
Aw, gee whiz...
that sounds like so much fun...
fair and all.
But come on, guys...
l mean, look at what we're dealing with here.
This guy plays power forward for his own team, so--
But he has a point.
Why not make the terms of a merger performance-based.
- Exactly. - Huh?
- What he just said. - Yeah.
l move we vote on the terms of the merger.
- l second. - And what he--what that guy said.
But--What both those guys said.
God damn it, Bob! l'm about to reach over there and tear you a new asshole!
Don't be a jackass.
- lt makes sense. - Fuck you, Bob! We talked this out!
l don't see a need for that kinda language.
Now, if you wanna go outside right now...
l'll take both of you fuckers out right damn now!
We're not gonna fight, we're gonna vote!
- Let's vote! - Let's vote...
and then we'll fight!
Come on, guys...
you should be juiced right now.
This is a chance to become a real NBA franchise.
Man, get outta town.
Ain't no way in Sam Hill we gonna make it to fourth place.
- Nope. - Yeah, Jackie...
we have a horseshit record right now.
Yeah, well, we just need to start hittin' our threes, OK?
That's not the problem, Jackie. The problem is...
we suck.
Scootsie, you did not deserve that.
- l know. - l apologize.
Stop that shit, man.
We do not suck, OK?
l been doin' a lot of thinkin'.
Decided to add someone to our team to add some real firepower, OK?
l think this guy could give us a new spark.
Now, don't get mad.
- At point guard-- - At point guard?
...five-ten...
l traded away our washing machine to get him.
He punches in bunches.
Ed Monix!
Toilet's clogged.
Hell, no. You traded for Monix?
Yeah.
This guy's an old warrior, come on.
Yeah, he old.
He can shoot the basketball.
Most importantly, he actually agreed to come here.
So?
lt's a thrill to be in Flint. Smells Tropical in here.
Now, look, l know just about everyone...
in this locker room has been punched in the face by this guy...
at some point in time.
And maybe even one of us has...
had his collarbone broken...twice.
Sorry, Twig.
Thanks, Ed.
Hey, how are your mom and sister?
lt's been about 1 2 weeks since l porked 'em.
Let's not talk about porking of the moms and the sisters...
because we only have one rule on this team.
What is that rule, Twiggy?
E-L-E.
That's right, E-L-E.
And what does ''E-L-E'' stand for?
''Everybody Love Everybody''.
Right there up on the wall.
Got that, Monix?
- Nope. - Great.
'Cause this isn't just a basketball team...
this is a lifestyle.
Welcome aboard, Monix.
Thank you. Good to be here.
All right.
Oh, if you see a possum...
try to kill it, OK?
lt's not a pet.
Welcome back to Tropics Weekly.
The ABA has announced...
that the top four teams will merge with the NBA after this season.
Seizing the opportunity...
owner/player/coach Jackie Moon has already made the first move...
acquiring Ed Monix from the Kentucky Colonels.
Yeah!
l'm a pretty aggressive owner.
When l heard Kentucky needed a washing machine, l looked at ours...
even though we need ours.
l said, ''l gotta pull the trigger on this.''
- Hey, honey! - lt seemed appropriate.
- Guess who got traded to Flint? - Who?
Monix!
Why the hell would he want to come to Flint?
l have no idea.
Who cares, right? l mean--
He's got an NBA ring and he's playing for the Tropics.
Can you believe that?
No, l can't.
l'll get it.
lt's like, if you watch a porn movie, doesn't mean you got laid.
No, no. ln fact, it often means the opposite.
Monix was an All-American at Michigan State...
then went on to--
- Hey. - Hey.
You look great.
Why are you here?
Got traded. Yeah. Yeah.
l mean, why are you here?
Can we talk?
- Monix! - Hey.
- What's up? - Yeah.
That ol' jump shot of yours ain't broke yet, is it?
Not yet.
Man--hey!
Great backdoor cut...
for the lay-up against the Amigos last Friday night, man.
Yeah. That's the way basketball should be played!
- Yeah. - Up there.
- Yeah-- - Too slow!
Hey, can you give us a second, please?
- Yeah, no problem. - Thanks, Kyle.
You're his favorite player.
l'd feel more comfortable if he hated me.
Listen, l hope you didn't agree to this trade because of me.
What if l did?
Then you'd be stuck in Flint, Michigan for no reason.
You know what?
You said you wanted to leave basketball at the top of your game.
When are you gonna quit?
l'm at the top of my game. l'm very close to the top.
l just got traded for a fuckin' washing machine. What am l talkin' about?
Good night, Ed.
Thanks for the pep talk.
Ed Monix is a tenacious defender, and he can hit the big shots.
- When he's not drunk. - Which is never.
Look, there's nothing in the rulebook that says you can't play drunk.
No, actually, there is.
Remember those 30 rebounds against San Diego?
Yeah.
- l don't remember 'em. - Oh, no.
- Amaretto stone sours. - Yes.
- l will never believe that. - All game long.
- No way. - l mixed 'em!
- Doesn't leave the table. - Yeah.
Look, guys, you ain't gotta worry.
'Cause tomorrow when l get this cast taken off, l'll be back on the team...
and l will be rainin' down some threes!
Cornelius, you're a good friend, but that arm hasn't properly healed...
and l've told you 100 times you're never gonna play for the Tropics.
You're a terrible athlete.
Come on, man! l'm a excellent athlete. Look, l broke this arm playin' for you.
No, you broke it playing with me in the driveway.
You can't even make a lay-up.
l'm an injured player, man. l should be on the bench.
No, you're not on the team.
Well, in my fantasy life, l'm on the team.
Well, let's just keep it that way, right?
My God. What the fuck is that? lt's incredible.
lt's called fondue.
- Fon what? - Fondue.
Three different cheeses, melted. That's what you're tasting.
Gorgonzola, muenster and cottage.
lt's the latest thing from Sweden, apparently.
Well, l'm not surprised by that. The Swedes are so inventive, aren't they?
- They are. - Yep.
They are my favorite producers of pornography.
They make an excellent fuck picture.
Well, l think l'll excuse myself from this conversation right now.
- To the men's room. - Stop it!
To make your wiener sing.
Boner machine.
l am not a boner machine, now.
Swedish porn saved my life in 'Nam.
- OK. - Great, here we go.
- C'mon! Fuck you guys! - Let me get my violin.
Swedish porn was the only thing...
that kept my mind off Charlie when l was in the shit.
ls the shit in Ann Arbor? 'Cause that's where you were during the war.
- He really believes it. - You were never in 'Nam--
- Nope. - ...you jive turkey.
You just call me a jive turkey?
No. No, he did not.
- He called you cocksucker. - Yeah.
- Right, Cornelius?
Yeah, yeah. l just called you cocksucker.
l'm pretty sure that you called me a jive turkey.
No, no. Now, Lou, nobody called anyone a JT.
Jive turkey is a little over the line, my man!
Look, we're all here.
We all heard what was said and we're in agreement.
- Cornelius said cocksucker. - Yes.
- Right? - Yeah.
- He just said you suck cock. - That's all he said about you.
Now, come on. Dig into that fondue, you little cocksucker.
- We like playing games, don't we? - We do, we're playing one right now!
l'm gonna show you guys this game that l learned...
- when l was in fucking 'Nam! - No, no, no, no!
Lou. Lou.
Who's the jive turkey now?
Gun's not loaded!
- You son of a bitch! - lt's not loaded!
lt's not loaded!
You shoulda seen your goddamn face!
There's no bullets in there! l never load it!
The gun was not loaded.
l'll see you fuckers in hell!
Jackie, Love Me Sexy is the worst song l've ever heard.
Watch this! l did call you jive turkey.
He did!
l got one. Hey, Lou, l know you slept with Mrs. Pepperfield!
We're saying nutty things 'cause they're not true.
- My! Yeah. - Especially that. More than the rest.
- He's jonesing you. - lt never happened.
- Hey. Bond. - She's not ugly.
- James Bond. - There it is.
- How do you like your martini, sir? - Stirred, in a half-carafe.
- He shoots himself. - He shoots himself in the wiener.
- Everybody OK? - l think so.
- Yeah. - l'm fine.
We just literally dodged a bullet.
We sure did!
- We certainly-- - Except for Cornelius.
l did get shot!
- My God. - Wow!
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
♪ Who do you think you are? ♪
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
♪ You're never gonna get my love ♪
♪ Now because you wear ♪
Vakidis, open the window, will ya?
Yes, right on.
Did you give Bobby Dee a hand job?
Yes, right on.
Hey, Monix...
what were the Celtics like?
Well, they were fast.
Fast? Man. Clarence should play for the Celtics, then. That boy can fly.
Downtown, that's all he ever talk about.
''l'm goin' to the NBA, l'm goin' to the NBA.'' Every day he say that.
No, l don't. Why don't you just shut up, man?
Say, Monix, why don't you let us see that championship ring, man?
Don't think nobody here ever seen a championship ring before.
- All right. - Yes, sir.
- Yes! - Yo, man, let me see it!
Holy balls.
My God, look at this right here. ''Champion'' in sparkling gold.
Man, why are you wearing that on your neck?
lf l had a ring like that, l'd have it on my finger every day...
so the honeys could see it.
l'm not quite as flashy as you.
l just like wearing it around my neck, that's all.
- That's cool, man. - l hear that.
He should be embarrassed.
Embarrassed?
He sat through every playoff game.
Then he gonna walk around us with all the shine...
like he some kind of hero or somethin'.
Come on, Clarence. You're just actin' jealous.
Whatever. l ain't never rode the bench and then go call myself a champion.
Somebody need to snatch that ring off his sorry neck.
- You wanna snatch it? Come on. - l--
- Be my guest. - l don't think your knees can take it.
Hey! Hey, l got a ring up here too. Mine says love.
Think about that.
Everybody love everybody!
Come on!
Eleven more hours to go.
This way, this way. Let's go, Tropics. Keep it alive.
Keep it alive, right here! Throw it in the blender.
No! Changed my mind. Right back, though.
- OK. OK. - Right back to you. Give it back again!
- You got it. - No, right back.
- No? - Yeah. Yeah.
- Sure? - Yeah. Right back. Come on, now. No.
Right back, reset. Throw it to Papa.
- No, right back out. - All right.
- Right back. Right back. - Here you go, Jackie.
- Back to you. Right back, though. - You're right. OK.
Shoot!
- All right, right on. - Clear. Yeah.
- You ready? - No, right back.
- No? - Yeah. OK, clear.
- All right, l'm goin'. - My turn.
Yeah, l'll bet my alleged son he won't make this.
Jackie Moon finally making a move...
- and it is worth the wait! - All day long!
- Traveling! - No, no, no, no! One and a half steps!
- Come on, Jackie. You walked. - Suck my cock! l'll murder your family!
- You're gone, Jackie Moon! - What? What?
Jackie Moon is ejected from the game.
- What did l say? - You said, ''S my C.''
And one lucky fan will go home with a game ball.
That's your head next time.
You're a big baby, Jackie. You cannot tell me to S my C.
Jackie Moon and the referee really going at it here.
- l didn't say anything. - You said, ''S my C.''
- l barely raised my voice. - l should call your mother.
You need a phone to heaven to do that.
- Maybe your ma didn't go to heaven. - Oh, dear.
Oh, my. Oh, no.
OK. Everyone off the floor. Let's go. Tropics, let's go.
Why--No, Jackie.
lt appears a line has been crossed by Father Pat of all people.
- Look, Jackie, l'm sorry. - Stop the broadcast.
Jackie Moon is pulling his team off the court.
You forfeit this game, Jackie, if you keep walking.
- That's fine. - You threatened to kill my family!
God damn it, Pat. What the hell's wrong with you?
Don't get on your high horse, Redwood. Thank you, Dick, for staying.
And that will do it from St. Louis, where the score is inconclusive.
Good night.
- Dick. - That's it.
We go to church together.
Not anymore.
♪ Hey, Flint Tropics, welcome back, give the Amigos a heart attack ♪
l tried, Jackie.
They won't take it.
Look, l don't know what your bank is telling you.
This is a real check. l signed it myself.
lt's written in glitter, man.
Can't you just, you know, like, write me a regular-size check?
Maybe you should try a different bank. A big bank.
- Bigger bank? - That has a big check department.
- That's what l'd do. - OK.
- Right? All right. - Yeah.
Scootsie, he is takin' you to town!
Get him, Twig. C'mon!
There we go.
- All right, guys. Hey, listen up. - Hey, hey.
Let's go. Eyes up here. Turn that contraption off. Come on.
Look, just got off the phone with the Commissioner.
He convinced the board to pass another merger rule.
We gotta average 2,000 fans per home game for the rest of the season.
- Two thou every home game? - Damn. What?
Commissioner says they're not gonna take a franchise that doesn't have fans.
- He's being a real dick. - Good Lord, Jackie Moon.
Winning these games is gonna be hard, but 2,000 fans? lmpossible, man.
lt's OK, Scootsie. 'Cause l got a plan. All right?
Now, you all know we're the ABA game of the week, right?
Could be a lot of television cameras out there, so we just gotta be tiptop.
So, what's the plan?
l brought a secret weapon.
lt's gonna make us look extra cool on TV.
What the hell is that?
lt's eyeliner, dummy.
Now who's first? Monix?
Yeah. Just let me get a fresh Maxi Pad out of my purse.
Looks like Jackie Moon has brought a trick from Broadway to the court tonight.
Trap, trap, trap, trap, trap.
Point of no return. Go back. Go back.
Horse in the trailer. Nowhere to go.
Hey. Look at my eyes. No, look at my eyes.
Are you scared? Tropical storm. Eye of the hurricane.
l'm gonna hypnotize you. l'm not gonna blink. l'm not gonna blink.
- Look at me. - Where you goin'? Where you goin'?
Jackie tips the ball away. Twiggy picks it up and takes it in.
- Two points, Tropics. - Way to go, Twiggy!
Make sure the camera gets your eyes!
- This team is on fire early in the game. - They're flamin', all right.
Nice lay-up. Nice lay-up, Twiggy.
- Who's got character now? - My confidence is sky-high right now.
What's with Vakidis?
What the hell's wrong with Vakidis?
Shit! Your eyeliner's running.
Yeah. Yours is kinda smoky too.
All right, everyone. Try not to sweat if you can.
Hell, no. This shit burnin' already, man.
- Yeah, it kinda is. - Goddamn.
l'm going to the bench, man. Move!
- What's happening? - Shit!
The Tropics seem to be disabled in some way.
God, it burns.
Do they test this on animals or is that just a lie?
Feels like l got cat piss in my eyes!
Just open your eyes with your fingers, guys. lt's really nice.
Cock sandwich, that hurts!
- Fuckin' idiots. - That feels really good.
Monix, where's your makeup, buddy?
Hey, how come it says Monix on your jersey when your name's Pussy?
- l was curious about this-- - Fuck you, Petrelli.
- Hey, hey, Monix! - Get your hands off me!
- Get back here! You little bitch! - We're on TV!
- l don't give a shit! - Commissioner's watching.
- You wanna kill the merger? C'mon. - Everybody relax.
Looks like a little gentleman's disagreement on the court. Nothing big.
No, these girls aren't gonna fight.
No, but a little bit of a delay in play for a moment here.
What about during commercial?
Yeah, l like it. Yeah, it's good.
- Father Pat, timeout. - Timeout, white!
lt's a timeout on the floor, with 9 minutes and 16 seconds left in the first.
The Tropics two, the Amigos six.
And we'll be right back after these messages from Shasta.
And, clear.
Somebody hit somebody!
Here we go.
- Come on! - Get him!
This is a good old-fashioned bare-fisted brawl here on the court.
My goodness.
Look at the Russian bear go. Throwing people around like rag dolls.
♪ Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? ♪
Look at Monix take it to Petrelli. l wish the people at home could see this.
l could hurt someone.
New Red Apple Soda with a great taste and tingle they're still looking for.
♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪
-♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ - Get him! Get him!
♪ Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? ♪
Honestly, Dick, l could watch this all day. This is terr--Look at Father Pat!
Father Pat is getting the worst of a lot of this.
Stop!
-♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ - And we're back in three--
-♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ - ...two, one...
Welcome back to your ABA game of the week.
l'll tell you, the spirit and camaraderie of this league...
is on full display here tonight, Lou.
Yeah, yeah, you got that right, Dick.
Lou!
Come on, Jack! They won't come back in here no more!
- Then l just kicked him! - Man.
- Still got it, J. - Now, that is how you play basketball.
- That's right. - You hear those fans? They loved it!
- Man! - Right on.
Monix, you got Petrelli's ass!
l mean, l was out there grabbin' balls. l think l grabbed some of your guys' balls.
Damn!
- That was you on my nuts? - Yeah.
You got the softest hands in the world.
All right, this is what we do. Tae kwon do sessions every practice.
ln fact, we don't need--
Does anybody here wanna talk about the fucking game?
God, this guy's a bummer.
Did anyone look at the scoreboard?
How about we run some plays in the second half, Jackie?
Look, Monix, l'm not an X's and O's guy, right? l'm not a tactician.
l'm a motivator in the classic sense of the word.
You know, Lombardi, Charles Lindbergh...
that nun over in lndia, like those people.
l get people to do great things!
And we just had an incredible, team-unifying moment...
by punching other guys in the face.
And it felt good...
and now we're gonna continue that on the court in the second half...
with baskets, though.
We need a game plan, Jackie.
So he the expert. He should know.
He done seen the game from every angle...
- sittin' on the bench. - Damn!
Hey, guess what? The Celtics weren't just all-stars, they were a team. A team!
As opposed to a bunch of selfish assholes tryin' to look cool every night.
l mean, call us what you want to...
but we ain't never sat around and pretended like we some champions.
Yeah, you got a little ring and all, but you personally, you ain't won shit.
Clarence, l want you to have this ring...
as a token of what you will never achieve.
Champion or not, at least l played the game.
And l got news for you, Clarence...
for all your flash, you are never gonna play in the NBA.
You are pissing your career away.
And one day, you're gonna look back on your life...
and you're gonna realize that you never even learned how to play basketball.
Jeez!
What the hell?
Shit.
Get your hands in the air.
Monix, bail's been set.
Lynn, can l ask you a favor?
You mean besides bailing your ass outta jail?
Lynn, no one can drain it like you.
l think l drained all l can out of there.
- That hurt? - Not really.
- How about that? - Yeah.
Good.
Listen. This is long overdue, but l wanna apologize.
For what?
For, you know, back then we had some problems.
Did you wanna apologize for cheating on me?
Twice.
Hey, l cheated on you once.
There just happened to be two girls there.
- Still not funny? - Still not funny.
And where's the necklace l made you?
Monix, it was the high point of your career.
l didn't deserve that ring, Lynn.
l hardly played. l was never the guy to hit the big shot.
Wanna know why things didn't work out between us?
Yeah.
You hate yourself so much it's impossible to love you.
Kinda brutally honest.
Did we have some fun?
You're kind of fun.
Didn't we?
Sometimes.
- What are you doing? - There he is.
- Been lookin' all over for you. - Like it. Sweaty.
See ya later, Ed. 'Scuse me, guys.
Excused.
Doin' your girl in the locker room? Classy.
- What are you guys doin' here? - We want you to coach the team.
- What? - You know the game better than Jackie.
l'm flattered, but l don't think Jackie would be too happy about this.
Come on, don't worry about Jackie. l mean, l got this.
OK, Tropics, hustle up.
Five, six, seven, eight.
One and two and three and four, and turn like you mean it.
Arch that back, Bee Bee.
l like it. Good rotation.
Beautiful, seahorses.
Leg kick, Scootsie.
Nice! And freeze it.
And then we start the game.
Now, when l say freeze it...
you guys gotta freeze it, OK?
- Hey! - Hey.
You're back. All right.
We got a extra costume right over there for you.
l'm not here to do whatever this is. What is this?
What is this? Come on, man, this is the future of basketball, OK?
This is entertainment. You'll get it. You'll catch on.
Look, Jackie. Now, don't get mad, but some of us got together...
and we aksed old Monix if he'd teach us a little bit.
Wait, what do you mean, teach us?
l teach you guys things. Like expert choreography and stuff.
No.
We wanna give Monix a chance to coach, Coach.
What's goin' on here?
What is this?
Clarence?
This is a mutiny.
You guys all in on this?
You motherfuckin' cocksuckers.
All of you.
l have dedicated my life to this team, OK?
l have given you guys my soul!
l mean, who bought you those boots last Halloween?
That would be you, Coach. You bought us those boots.
l bought 'em!
l really liked them boots. They were nice.
They're really nice boots.
Yeah, we love ya.
But Monix just knows the X's and O's, baby. That's all.
Come on, come on, don't turn your back on us.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Listen.
How about this, l'll be the offensive and defensive coordinator...
and you can still be head coach.
And you're the best promoter. We gonna need fans, right?
Do you guys really think l'm a good promoter?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You know you are, man.
- l'm probably the best in the league. - Yeah, that's what they say.
- Top three. - Yup.
- Right up there. - Yeah.
OK.
lf we play unselfish, fundamental basketball, we can make a run at this.
By unselfish, l mean we sprint up the court on every fast break...
not because we might get a dunk and get your dick sucked after the game...
but because sprinting might pull the defense out of position--
Wait, wait, wait, wait. So what's goin' on with the blow jobs again?
Yeah, 'cause l vote we keep them blow jobs, Jack.
- Yeah. All in favor? - Come on, let the man talk.
Thank you, Clarence.
Now, till we start playing like a real team...
we're gonna practice without the ball.
That's a waste.
OK, let's run the offense!
- Without a ball? - Yeah, without the ball, Clarence.
Let's go, everybody get in position.
- Patch that ball up, Scootsie. - Come on! Hustle!
OK, Clarence, flash through the lane.
- Hustle, Clarence! - Come on, come on.
Ball, ball, ball!
We been runnin' the same play all day.
Yeah, can we maybe try play number two?
No! l want you to be brain-dead, gentlemen!
'Cause someday you're gonna be too tired or too nervous to think.
And when you are, this is the play that l'm gonna call.
We need to be able to run this play in our sleep.
l'm a rover, Coach. l'm just gonna go rover.
No, don't just go rovin'. Run the play, Jackie Moon.
l'm creatin' a diversion, though...
- by runnin' in circles over here. - Don't lose your mind, Jackie Moon.
We are runnin' this until we puke.
- Well, basically, we have. - Yeah, l'm pretty beat, Coach.
''Until we puke'' is not a figure of speech.
We are literally going to puke.
What does he mean by ''literally''?
l wish you were still a washing machine!
Get up and run, Coach! You're gonna puke like everybody else!
l can't puke, Monix! l've never puked in my life, ever!
You're lying to me.
l've been sick before, l've just never puked. Swear on my mother's grave.
What about when you were a baby? Babies throw up all the time.
My mom said l never did it. l swear.
She said l was fascinating.
ln fact, the local PBS wanted to do a documentary on me.
Have you ever been punched in the jejunum?
No, what's a jejunum?
lt's part of the small intestine.
l don't think so.
l mean, l've been punched in the armpit before, and in the wrist twice.
Coccyx, and in the back of the knee.
Both eyes, and l've been punched right in my tracheal--
Let that out.
Go ahead, Jackie. Just let it go.
Hey, hey, hey.
Get ahold of yourself, Jackie!
Let go! Hold it in, Jackie! Hold it in!
Get off me, God damn it!
Jackie!
We are seeing a very different Tropics basketball team than we're used to...
aren't we, Lou?
Playing with a lot of energy and a lot of confidence.
They're movin' the ball well.
lt looks like they're gonna win this game. The only question is, by how much?
Jangel has the ball now.
My gosh, a loose ball on the court and Clarence dives for it?
Timeout!
That's something we have not seen before. And a timeout is called.
Timeout, white!
- Hey. Good playin' out there, Jackie. - Thanks.
- Way to go, man. - Yeah.
The crowd is really excited tonight.
They know what's at stake, Dick.
Yup, gettin' their home team into the NBA.
No, l'm talking about free corn dogs.
That's right. lt's free corn dog night.
Fellas, it's lookin' great.
We're 30 seconds away from takin' this thing.
Yeah, he's right. Let's try to win, but not win by too much.
Wait, we don't want to win by too much?
What the hell are you talkin' about?
- Corn dogs. - What?
See, if we score 1 25 points...
that mean we gotta give everybody in here a free corn dog, all right?
Yeah, sorry, Monix. We don't even got corn dogs.
Corn--l don't care, we're takin' it to 'em, all right?
Hey, we're up by seven, OK?
Can't we just take it easy? Run the clock out?
We're talkin' a lot of corn dogs!
l don't give a shit about the corn dogs, all right?
We play hard every second. We run the offense. Everybody got that?
- Right on. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You got that, Jackie?
- OK, bring us together, man. - One, two, three.
Let's get Tropical!
OK, it looks like we are going to return to the game. Monix--
- Hey, Monix. - ...has the ball.
You wanna just throw it to me? l can get it to Clarence. That might be easier.
Jackie, move!
Ball, ball, ball, ball, ball, ball, ball! Ball!
- Nice, Monix! - Monix inbounds to Clarence.
OK. Come on, Clarence, take your time.
Come on, Nets, play some defense.
You wanna go for the double team? Might be a good time.
Double team, double team.
l won't do anything if l get the ball, l promise.
He'll go with his right. He loves his right one. He likes the right hand.
- What are you doin'? - Clarence drives.
Dishes off to Scootsie.
But look at this, Jackie Moon blocks his own teammate's shot!